this skin doesn't sit quite right on my bones

written at 3:40 p.m. on 09.22.04

"Ha, you're quite the little social butterfly, aren't you?"

I never ever expected to hear words like those used in description of me. I'm used to being the shy, introverted girl who would rather spend her last day on earth reading and playing piano instead of talking to friends and family.

To be quite honest, I'm not really sure I like "the new me." Since coming to college, I have overcome my fear of phones, I have become outgoing, personable, and friendly. I have basically become everything I wasn't in high school, everything I envied in "the popular kids." Quite frankly, I feel almost like I'm betraying my own nature even though my actions now are as natural as the ones in high school.

I guess what bothers me the most about having these new personality traits is the fact that they are accompanied by unidentified irritants. For example, sometimes my new tendency to be outgoing and personable leads me to be pushy, demanding, abrasive (Boo, I'm stealing your word.), or insensitive to the feelings of others. Fortunately, one of my strengths according to StrengthsQuest is "individualization." I try to get to know what makes each person tick--their likes, dislikes, goals, fears, temperaments, etc. So, I kinda have an intuitive feeling when I'm pushing someone too far, but still..

What I'm trying to say is that I liked it better when I knew my flaws inside and out, when I knew myself inside and out, when I was comfortable functioning in my own skin.

Maybe this side of me will balance out with the old personality. I think the new environment, the new relationships, and the new opportunities and freedoms have made me act a little of character. I'm still adjusting, even in week four, to the newness of college life. Hopefully, the old me is still around somewhere. I know it must be. Talking about books and piano earlier has me longing to sit down and read a good novel. Maybe I'll actually get around to finishing Catch-22 this semester.

Meanwhlie, I don't know what I'm doing here. I have two tests tomorrow and a sizeable project due on Friday for English Comp. Plus, room inspections are tonight. (Gag me with a spoon.) So, I'll be back later to narrate some of the interesting events of the past few days, if I can remember them.

Later, y'all.