a spoonful of random...

Yeah, this came out of nowhere. I know.

written at 8:45 p.m. on 08.21.06

For anyone who can't already tell, this whole issue with financing is completely crushing me. Everything else about this transition back to school came about so easily. I was assigned a room before I had even paid the housing fee. I was signed up for classes before registration even began. My parents even offered to pay to transport me down there, something they originally were not intending to do.

Then, tuition came up to bite me in the butt. Because my parents won't take out a loan for me or co-sign my loan applications, I'm unable to get the financing I need. I've been begging and pleading with banks across the country, but to no avail. For a few seconds, I even tried to compile a list of not-so-legal activities that might reap $20,000 in profits in twenty-four hours.

I've cried my eyes out in frustration, and I'm nowhere closer to getting the money than I was a week ago.

Warning: Content ahead contains references to Scripture and faith and such. If you are at all offended by such material, please leave this site now. If you feel yourself wanting to make an evil comment, exit your browser and go eat some chocolate.

A voice in my head keeps saying that if this was truly where God wanted me to be, it would happen, one way or another. Another voice chimes in to say that I should give up hope now and stop packing. The first voice keeps reminding me of the promises in Scripture...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. you will seek me and find me when when you seek me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29:11-13

I've strayed so incredibly far from where I ought to be. Relying wholly on someone else, even the Creator of the universe and Savior of the world, is so incredibly hard to do. I want to handle my own problems, worry about my own stresses, and earn my own successes. It just never works out that way.

"Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the bird of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more cloth you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these thing will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough troulbe of its own." - Matthew 6:25-34

God will take care of my needs. I watched as He heaped blessing after blessing upon my parents when they handed over control of just their finances. I know that it's high time I stop fighting to take over the driver's seat... it's just taken a lot of wrestling to get me where I belong.

Brokenness, brokenness
Is what I long for
Brokenness is what I need
Brokenness, brokenness
Is what You want from me

So take my heart and form it
Take my mind, transform it
Take my will, conform it
To Yours, to Yours, Oh Lord

If I don't end up back at LeTourneau in the fall, I'm not going to die. I can go to a temp agency and find a full-time job. I can maybe even still get in to the Lord of the Rings class at the local community college. I can take another semester to save up for schooling. Plan B doesn't have to mean the end of the world.

*sigh* I feel slightly more at peace already. Time for some brownies and some Lord of the Rings and a full night's sleep. Whether tomorrow brings good news or bad news about the financing, I can sleep well, knowing that I am loved and that I have so much more to live for than this lifetime.

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