the nagging question in my head

written at 12:42 a.m. on 05.15.05

I have little patience for people with low IQs. If someone isn't at my level on something (or pretty darn close), I lose interest. My bookshelf is alphebetized, as are my CDs. My clothes are sorted by color and type. I have a day-planner, and I schedule things on Outlook, both just for the sake of organizing. Every piece of jewelry I own has a designated home. I find joy in organizing other peoples' stuff. Heck, I even got paid to do it for a while by my elementary school principal. I cleaned a kid's locker because it got so messy, I couldn't stand it. I did dishes for Club because they hadn't done them in over a semester. I take notes in one gigantic notebook, only to rewrite them in a proper notebook later. I enjoy making twenty-page study guides for people. I like organization, planning, and tools that help me get organized or planned. Office Max has ranked among my favorite stores for years, beaten out only by Target. I will go to Office Max and drool for hours over pens and notebooks and planners and calendars. I love having new, pretty things from Office Max. I wanted to be a business major because I wanted the pretty office with the organized desk and the professional day-planner and the pen-holder and the business cards. I like keeping track of boring things in boring books with spaces for every boring detail imaginable. It came to no surprise when my junior high teacher at my private Christian school nicknamed me "A.R" (anal retentive) when I pointed out to her that every other page in my spiral notebook had a blank spot in the same spot on the same blue line.

I say all this not to prove that I'm an obsessive-compulsive, anal retentive freak of nature. I say all this to give you a little background on myself before asking a simple question. Is all that intimidating? Am I really that scary of a person? I'm running out of ideas as to why I have all these "should've been" moments in my "love life." If I'm that ugly, please just tell me. Silky told me straight-up that he never asked me out because he was afraid of my reaction.

I just want to understand what it is that is so intimidating. Is it the perfectionism? Nobody at LeTourneau can say it was my relentless pursuit of academic achievement, but anybody from grades K-12 can attest to the fact that I was a top-notch overachiever. I did everything in my power to earn a 4.0 GPA or better from my demanding private schools, and I was happy to do extra credit work to put me over the edge. I enjoyed doing homework and spent every hour of my night doing either that or reading. If you can picture either Rory Gilmore or Paris Gellar from "Gilmore Girls," you can get a picture of the first 17 or 18 years of my life.

Are you scared yet? 'Cause I sure has heck cannot figure out what about that is that intimidating. Ok, it might have been a little creepy, but am I really that unfriendly? That repulsive? That unappealing?

Sigh. I needed to get that off my chest. I just had an in-depth conversation and staring contest with Mirror Rachel. She and I scratched our head(s) for a good long while, not able to understand why it is that there have been so many "Oh, I like you, but.." lines thrown our way. It would be quite depressing if not for the reassurance that the clothes were still organized by color and the planner was still up-to-date and the clutter was only temporary. I can't find my favorite teddy bear, or all would be forgotten for certain, but writing an entry about my woes is almost as soothing.

Well, that's all for now, folks. It's time for bed. Church still happens shortly after sunrise, and though I do enjoy church, I don't want to be falling asleep on the annoyingly comfortable chairs. Good night!