self pep-talk

written at 8:35 a.m. on 05.18.05

Watching Return of the King for probably nearing the 70th time, I am still infatuated with the romantic elegance of Tolkien's works. The story is free of drugs, swearing, sex, and the harsh and crude edge of today's tales. Granted, Gandalf and the hobbits do enjoy a good deal of pipeweed, but there is something refined and wholesome and pure even in that. Forgive me for going all googly-eyed over Lord of the Rings again, but my fascination for it never dulls over time.

Speaking of that, the youth pastor at my church (who gave the sermon on Sunday) made an interesting point that Christians have the tiresome and annoying habit of growing weary of things that should bring them constant joy. I see that to be true of all my friends. We're like kids with new toys on Christmas morning, tired of the things we had desired for weeks on end by the time we reach Christmas afternoon. It boggles my mind how people can live their lives without true passion for anything. I, unfortunately, have a passion for having passions, in a sense. Obsessed with obsessions. I am as passionate about watching every minute of Lord of the Rings on film as I was when it first came to theaters. I find as much joy in playing piano today as I did when I first started (though I've always hated lessons). I can't refrain from a purr or a giggle when I talk about web design, despite that making me cringe at my overwhelming and ever-increasing amount of nerdiness. Chocolate, pizza, and coffee have remained my three basic food groups for as long as I can remember. I still get excited when I hear the opening measures to the Christmas CD we play every year while decorating the tree.

Heck, I'm even passionate in several negative areas. I still protest vehemently when I don't get my way. I still cry several times a week in heated arguments with my mom over the same issues that we've been battling for years. I will always react violently when someone tries to pop one of my "bubbles." John S. can easily attest to the fact that I will do everything in my power to stop anyone who messes with me and anything related to Lord of the Rings, especially regarding my engagement to Frodo Baggins of the Shire.

I suppose I might be proving myself to be incredibly immature and childish. However, it is that childlike zeal for life that I cannot fathom losing. At some point, I might need to adjust where I focus my energies, but the fact remains that there will still be that passion and energy there. The best friends I have in this world are passionate about things, too. It is these people who have the most true life in them, who are driven to get off their butts to do something with their lives, who are the most fascinating individuals one can meet.

This past year at college showed me how horrible a listless spirit can feel, gnawing away at your idle brain, giving you an empty feeling in your gut. I don't want to be there again. I don't want to be the type of person who sits around, planning out what I will be or what I will do. I want to be the one leading the troops into battle, the one making history but focused on the present and dreaming of the future.

Gosh darn it. I have goals, and I will see them completed this time around!