Somewhere between an acquaintance and an enemy...

written at 12:48 a.m. on 10.17.06

I'm at a loss for a word, and I'm thinking it's a word that might need to be invented.

Here's the sitch, yo. I have several people in my life that currently fall under the category of "friends," but only because I cannot for the life of me think of what else to call them. I know them too well to be just "acquaintances." However, I don't dislike them enough to call them "enemies."

Dane Cook makes good note of the fact that there is at least one of these people in every group of friends in his sketch about Karen the douchebag. While the people in my life aren't necessarily douchebags, they most certainly have proven that they are not worthy of being called friends.

Shared characteristics of all of these people:
1. Stalkerish mannerisms. -- I never seek them out, and sometimes I flat-out avoid them. However, they somehow manage to find me.
2. Not funny. -- They try so hard, but they're just not up-to-par in the world of wit.
3. Personality leeches. -- This happens when the lack of personality in a person is so strong that it becomes somewhat akin to a black hole.
4. Desperate for acceptance. -- Many decide to become more piratey in a vain attempt to .. appease me? impress me? I don't know. Several have declared undying love for Lord of the Rings movies, despite only having watched "the first disc of that one movie in the middle.. yeah.. it was great!" Screw you. Get your own passions and interests and rock those out.
5. Illiterate. -- Spelling and grammar may not be your thing. Fine. But when two-year-olds in Turkey speak better English than you do, it's time to stop talking to me. I will either rip you to shreds via some nasty dialogue or sit at my computer, clenching my fists, praying for an anvil to fall on your useless head.

As you can see from this brief outline, many of these people have a checklist of my pet peeves with them at all times, and they have made it their sole goal in life to make me their best friend by hitting all of my buttons at once. Raise your hand if you think that's effed up beyond belief. Slap yourself in the face with that raised hand if you find yourself a textbook example of one of these non-friends. WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?

I don't quite know how to say to someone, "Hey, I don't want to hang out with you. Period. Ever. I was nice to you a few times, but that was most likely out of pity. Either that, or you showed friend potential at the beginning, and now I'm wishing you had warned me up front what a complete waste of time it was to introduce myself in the first place." Okay, I could actually use those words, but that's a little harsh. As a pirate wench, I prefer pushing people off of planks and getting rid of them entirely. I don't want to have to look at their sad faces as they realize that I'm dumping them as "friends," demoting them to [insert term for this new status here].

That brings me back to my point. Though I'd really like to know how to get rid of these people, I'm honestly wondering what to call them in the first place. Non-friends kinda works, but that could also apply to strangers and enemies and such. They're not yet ex-friends, and, as I said before, they're beyond acquaintances.

WHAT IS THE TERM??! HELP! Either make up a word or a short phrase to describe these useless turds, or tell me a word that already exists in the English language. Anyone?

Comment! (And then go read the new entries at the locked diary.)