my stalker - a true story, part one

written at 9:04 p.m. on 06.27.04

My brother and I escorted my dad to a viewing of Shrek 2 today. My dad loves cartoons and all things remotely humorous, but I honestly think he'd be too embarrassed to go to a kid movie by himself. Of course, going to the movies by yourself sucks anyway. Actually, I've never tried, but I'd imagine it would be horrible. Unless, of course, the movie was Lord of the Rings (any one of the three). Yes, sigh and roll your eyes all you want, but it would be heaven on earth for me to see that movie in peace, sans the big, fat slobbery guy from before.

Wow, I managed to get wayyyy off track there. I can't even remember what the crap I was going to say in the first place. Something about Shrek 2.. probably something about the fact that it's hilarious. I love Puss, the cat. I also love the Lord of the Rings spoof, of course. I love it all. Well, in a way. It bothers me in both movies that Shrek and Fiona end up ugly. I know that probably sounds incredibly stupid and shallow.. but you can just eat my shorts on that one. I like tradition, and tradition dictates that all things ugly shall be prettified in Hollywood. How dare a movie defy such an important unspoken law?!

This is one of those dandy places where a transitional sentence would come in handy. Unfortunately, it's summer. Regardless of where I am, my brain is somewhere else, preoccupied with who knows what. I couldn't tell you what minds do when they wander, but I guarantee it's absolutely fascinating. It's probably as fascinating as this entry!! Three cheers for entries that die after the first sentence!!

Seriously though, this place needs a makeover. I was so nice the other day when I asked for ideas for a new template. Not a single freakin person responded. Please join me in a moment of poutiness.

MOMENT OVER!! While I was pouting I remembered the two things on my agenda of things to talk about!! One, I randomly stumbled across the blog of some Chicago native (heh, that sounds retarded) who attends LeTourneau.. or attended. I don't know. I just thought that was particularly odd. Really odd. BUT (transition time!) not as odd as this!!!!!!

Listen closely. Err.. read carefully, whatever it is that you're doing. I had the most exciting two days of my entire summer this past week. I laughed, I cried, and I almost got myself officially grounded for life. True, all this happens on a daily basis. However, not every day does a person get STALKED!!

Yeah, that's right, I had an official creepy-as-heck stalker. His name? Matt. Make yourself some popcorn and get comfy. This is gonna be one crazy-long story. You heard me. Crazy-long. Not the regular brand, the real deal.. the stuff the professionals deal with. The stuff with which the professionals deal. Stupid prepositions.

ANYWAY... Here goes.

My Stalker - The true story of a girl who was too nice for her own good.

(Yeah, you heard me. I was too nice for my own good. Don't expect that to happen again.)

The story begins Wednesday, June 23, 2004. The clock in my car read 3:57 p.m. Good, I thought. I'm early. I have time to shove down a a chocolate chip Pop Tart. Ooo, but do I have gum? Oh, crap, where's my gum?! Hurry, hurry, where is it?!! Ah. There it is. Ok, now for that Pop Tart. What the?? Why is my phone ringing? Where's my phone... ok, here we go.. What? Caller ID blocked? That's bizarre. Ain't no way I'm pickin that up. Yar.. I should probably just skip the Pop Tart and go inside. At this point, I hopped out of my car, well, more like flopped, since it was less graceful than a hop, but not as bad as a complete face-plant. In any case, I was walking down the sidewalk to work, thinking about how much I enjoyed working at this bookstore on occassion. Granted, it's forty minutes from my house, but the drive is fun and the store is almost always deserted, so I'm free to do non-people things. The bookstore I normally work at, only ten minutes from my house, is so hectic and busy and non-stop craziness.. not my ideal environment.

As I was walking and thinking and somehow managing to chew gum at the same time, I heard a beep coming from my purse. Gah, people are so annoying sometimes! I'm not available to talk right now! Go away! I looked down and saw that I had a text message waiting. Now, there are few people who actually go to the trouble of texting me. Cribbet does.. and once in a while Josh D. or Josh N. will, but it's a rare thing. Anyway, I was planning on hanging out with Cribbet the next day to say goodbye, so figured it was from him.

Still walking, thinking, and chewing gum, I proved the full extent of my multi-tasking abilities and not only opened the message, but read it, too. Amazing, eh? Yeah, I'm impressed just thinking about it.

"Hello rachel."

At this point, my focus shifted entirely toward my cell phone. Walking and gum-chewing ceased. Pressing the down arrow key, I was shocked to see that the message wasn't from anyone in my address book. The phone number wasn't at all familiar, but it had a familiar area code, so I entertained a few thoughts. Either A) a friend got a new cell phone number or B) one of my friends got my number from a mutual friend and was texting me for the first time.

Since I clearly had no idea who I was talking too, I did what most people (I assume) would do. I asked, "Who is this?"

It took mere seconds for him to respond. "Matt."

I laughed in that sneering, quasi-snorting way that indicates immeasurable amounts of scorn and a smidgen of amusement, albeit scornful amusement. With that out of my system, I realized with a start that I was still standing in the middle of the sidewalk. I was going to be late for work if I didn't skidaddle. (Sorry, that word is just too much fun not to use.)

I sprinted inside, wheezing out a "Hi, how are you?!" to Mari and Wayne, a fellow employee and the store's owner, respectively. I dashed to the back room, where I usually stash my purse. I was still clutching my cell phone in my now-slightly-sweaty palm. I most definitely was interested in finding out who this was. I fumblingly typed out, "Ha, I know a lot of guys by that name. Care to be any more specific?" I was trying to give that deer-in-headlights-but-a-friendly-deer impression. Basically, the "I don't have a clue who the heck you are, but if you turn out to be a friend of mine, I don't want to embarrass myself now by sounding like a skeptical jerk" routine.

So, he types back his last name, which was totally unfamiliar to me. Now, Josh D. seems to have a lot of friends named Matt. Still trying to think positively, I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe, I knew this guy somehow. In typical Rachel fashion, I typed back, "Umm.. do I know you?"

It dawned on me that I was once again being consumed by this conversation and ignoring my present responsibilities, a.k.a. work. I wandered in a dazed and confused manner toward the front by the registers, where Mari and Wayne were talking. I tried desperately to convey that "I have something to say, so prompt me with a question" look, but to no avail. So, I blurted out, "Whoa," in a "Wow, this is weird" way. Yeah, I definitely got ignored. Slightly discouraged, but still determined, I upped the volume and said, "Holy crap, this is a little bizarre." Mari and Wayne abruptly ceased talking and focused in on me in a manner that made me feel really stupid, trivial, awkward, and stupid some more.. all at once.

I jokingly said something about having a stalker and explained that this random guy was texting me and it was creeping me out to a very small degree. I got the authoratative "Hmm.. that's strange" from both of them before they turned their backs toward me to pick up their conversation. Left to myself, I dug my cell phone out of my pocket. (I slipped it into a side pocket before walking up front to conceal it to some degree, but.. well, girls' pants aren't meant to hide bulky old cell phones like mine, so it just wound up looking super nerdy. Funny how that happens to me a lot.. the looking super nerdy part.)

AH yes, I pulled the cell phone out of my pocket and found that Matt had replied to my latest inquisition. "Yeah, i think so." Here, it crossed my mind how irritating it is when people capitalize only the first letter of text messages, too lazy to turn the caps on and off appropriately. Anyway, this is heading into the land of the way-too-crazy-long stories, so I'll say that I spent the rest of the night texting the guy, trying to avoid looking like a slacker at work, though only three customers stopped by and I managed to get all my work done early enough to leave 30 minutes earlier than expected. Anyway, here is the conversation. I'll add in little comments of my own to explain what I was thinking, since on occassion you may wonder if I even was thinking.

And, the rest will have to wait for later, since I have to go. This will be continued as soon as possible. Don't make any judgments yet, cuz the weird stuff hasn't even started!!

Keep your fingers crossed that I'll be allowed on the computer tomorrow so I can finish this story before I forget all the good stuff.

Ciao!!