matt rhymes with cat

written at 1:27 p.m. on 04.10.04

Speaking of stories, I just finished reading one of my favorite books (apart from Lord of the Rings, of course). Marian Keyes' book Watermelon is amazing. I'm not a big fan of book reviews, but I would gladly do a paper on this book. This Keyes chik is British or something, so she uses fun words like "bloody" a lot. It was a bloody good book. Enough double-o words there?

Anyway, I read this book last summer, and it is definitely the pick-me-up I needed to get me in a summery mood this week. I seriously was laughing almost to the point of tears, which can be a rare occurance among novels today. Joseph Conrad's Catch 22 definitely had me laughing out loud, though. I'm such a sucker for a good laugh. Honestly, if I had to judge a rapist, serial killer, super bad dude, I would definitely give him a more lenient sentence if he could make me laugh. Fortunately, I'm not a judge and most convicted criminals traded in their sense of humor for a big dose of psychoticness long ago.

(The moral of the story is: If you aren't funny, you're a rapist.)

Well then, now that I've established the fact that I'm a child molesting burglar, I suppose it's ok to tell you about my absolute fascination with two restaurants: Chili's and T.G.I.Friday's (known from here on out simply as "Friday's").

My fascination is this: They somehow manage to employ really good-looking people. Honestly, I don't remember the last time I saw an ugly person working at either place. Jump to some conclusions with me here. Either (A) Chili's and Friday's are not equal opportunity employers and they turn down ugly people for jobs (bwa ha ha) or (B) ugly people feel intimidated by the beautiful people working there and in effect drive themselves away or (C) I just unconsciously choose not to see ugly people (another bwa ha ha).

Interesting to think about, to say the least.

Oh yeah, I was going to retell Matt's hilarious story. I feel really dumb telling someone else's story, but since he doesn't have an online journal that I'm aware of, I feel it is my personal responsibility to share this humor with as many people as possible.

So, Matt's a pretty tall kid, and he's not always the most graceful guy in town. He's been known to drop his and other people's really expensive guitars and whatnot out of sheer clumsiness. Not to many people hold that against him, however, as he's a pretty cool kid.

Anyway, I told you that so that this story would be even funnier. In fact, it might even cause you to chuckle! In preparation for this chuckle, I suggest you get a glass of water to lubricate your as-of-yet unused laugh machine (that is most definitely the scientific name for it) and clear your throat a few times in that "preparing to do something important" way.

Here we go.

So a few years ago, Matt is over at his friend's house. Matt's friend has a very fat cat. The very fat cat named Pat wears a hat and sits on a mat. </Dr. Seuss> Anyway, this is one of those particularly weight-challenged cats whose fat flings from side to side as it walks (to the amusement of all watching). These cats are "da bomb" because the fat blob that is jiggling beneath the spinal cord eventually gets so heavy that it pulls the whole cat from side to side as it walks, making the cat look like a fat drunk who couldn't walk a straight line even if he could see his feet.

So far, you've been introduced to Matt and the cat. It's time that Matt introduced himself to the cat. Matt decides at some point during his visit to his friend's house that he wants to go downstairs (apparently he decided to go upstairs at some earlier point, in case you missed that). Matt, in his own graceful way, round the corner from the hallway to the stairs and introduces his foot to the cat's fat. The fat cat goes tumbling down the stairs in a fashion similar to a slinky, landing on one step fat-side down, the next step fat-side up, the blob going round and round in a most comical manner.

The cat finally came to a halt at the bottom of the stairs, lying flat on its back with its little stubby legs sticking out of its gelatinesque stomach. Matt is horrified, of course, and rushes to the bottom of the stairs. His friend, sensing the panic somehow, scurries down the stairs to meet Matt. Still horrified, Matt starts apologizing profusely, but oddly enough, his friend didn't seem very bothered at all. The friend said, "Oh, don't worry, this happens all the time. She'll wake up in 20 minutes or so."

Two hours pass.

The cat hasn't moved.

...

Matt killed the cat.

...

Don't resist the urge to laugh; it is most definitely hilarious.

It probably wasn't too terribly funny at the time, though Matt's friend apparently took the sitaution very well. Heck, I would've laughed if I had a cat that was fat and old who died falling down the stairs. I'm sure the Humane Society and PETA will have my head on a platter for saying that, but it's true. Sad situations are always easier to take with a dose of humor. Kinda like a spoonful of sugar. Or.. a spoonful of random, for that matter. :)

Anyway, I'll leave you to replay that scene over and over again in your mind. Laugh until your sides hurt. Lather. Rinse. Repeat as necessary.

The end.