the hermit revealed

written at 10:52 p.m. on 07.16.04

This portion of space is dedicated to all those who have attempted to contact me this summer (or this past year) by phone without success. Now, this entry is merely an attempt to help you try to better understand me and why I am the way I am.

As a fairly shy and extremely introverted person, I require a large amount of what is generally referred to as "personal space." Opening up to tpeople isn't easy for me, even sometimes when I'm among friends.

Imagine with me that this personal space is like a bubble. (Granted, not an original idea in any shape or form, but work with me here.) Now, sometimes I feel like too many people are poking and prodding at that bubble. At that point, I subconsciously reinforce the bubble, fortifying it in a sense. Another over-used analogy is "putting up a wall."

People often poke and prod with more intensity than before, thinking that there must be a way to break down the walls with force. Not so! In fact, that just causes me to throw up stronger defenses.

I've been asked why I speak to Josh on the phone, why he of all people managed to get through to me. Well, I think a lot of it had to do with his approach. Hopefully he doesn't mind me analyzing and sharing these details, which really aren't that detailed at all.

Basically, he began calling me no more than once every other day or two. Never so often that I felt hunted or was compelled to escape, but on a consistent basis that let me know he was intent on getting through to me. He didn't always leave messages, but when he did, he was always very positive-sounding and fun and humorous, an attitude that is inviting and not in any way threatening. I'll admit that most of the time when I find myself hesitating to call someone, it is because I'm afraid of getting scolded or yelled at. Often times, the messages I get are when someone is at the peak of their frustration, yelling at me to pick up the phone, though usually I'm at work or outside or away from my cell phone, or whatever. (I don't ignore calls. If I'm around to hear the phone, whichever phone that may be, I will pick it up. I'm not that much of a jerk.)

Now, Josh didn't get through to me for quite some time. When I finally was in a situation where I could hear my phone, I saw who it was and picked it up without any hesitation. He had never indicated any unfriendliness or anything that would intimidate me. I really honestly fear phones, so the slightest thing can make picking up the phone a miserable experience. Now, after a nice, long conversation, it was probably over a week before he next got through to me, though he began calling almost daily. Still no irritation, probably because he only called once, not five times, and didn't have to listen to my now disaster of a voicemail more than once. (My voicemail was awesome for a while, but I think it is now just annoying to most people. At least, that's what I hear.)

Anyway, as I shared in my stalker series, I now have the courage to call Josh all by myself, without being prompted. Granted, we still only talk once or twice a week, but I look forward to those chats without an ounce of dread.

I'm not saying that I have no responsibility in communicating with friends. I don't like being the jerk who never calls people back. I would like to explain that yes, I am afraid of the phone, and yes, some of that is my fault, but some of it stems from the negativity that is often thrown my way. I hope this explains some of my hermit-like behaviors. I hope people understand that I'm not going to come out of my shell through threats or scoldings or anything of the sort. I get yelled at enough at home for stupid stuff. At this point, I'm emotionally drained, and all that will help is encouragement. Worst case, I'll go to college without many friends at all. That would make me cry buckets every day. At the rate things are going, however, that's just what will happen. I really don't know what to say or do at this point. :(