identity crisis.. check. sadness.. check. happiness.. check.

written at 2:15 a.m. on 11.08.04

Much has happened since the past entry. I'm failing a lot of classes still, which is really making me depressed. I know that I'm smart enough to pass with ease. The problem is, socializing is more fun. My mom always did the disciplining for me back in high school and junior high. I didn't socialize until my homework was done. I also didn't have the option of skipping class. Now that I'm on my own, I'm discovering that I have no self-discipline, no time management skills, no self-motivation, and a lot of reasons to throw myself a pity party. The icing on this proverbial cake would probably be breaking up with my boyfriend of less than a week on Saturday. I made him feel terrible which makes me feel terrible and the whole thing is one big disaster. My worst nightmare--losing him as a friend--is coming true, and it's all my fault.

Anyway, I'm kinda having a miserable but awesome week. A lot of great memories mixed in with a lot of really horrible memories. I really need a hug right now.

I have rediscovered my love of web design, however. I'm in the middle of a really cute ladybug template using a quote from Robert Frost's "The Road Less Traveled."

OH OH OH!! Guess what just went down tonight? Boy (friend of mine, lives on Club.. floors are a big deal here, if you haven't caught that yet) invited me to go with him and a bunch of other Clubbers and other people to the house of some youth leader from his church. While we were there, Jason (another Clubber and a friend of mine) started playing piano. I drifted over at some point and started doodling on the top keys. Eventually, "praise songs" were requested, and since Jason can't read music, he forced me to switch sides of the piano with him. So, I moved over and began playing the songs that were placed in front of me. Several songs later, I called it quits so Jason could go back to entertaining the masses with his knowledge of popular songs of the day.

Anyway, I stood up from the piano and was immediately offered a position on the worship team of Boy's church. I have never been to this church. I don't even know the name of this church. I told the guy who offered me the spot that I'd definitely stop by on Sunday to see what I think. I'm actually UBER excited about this, cuz I miss playing piano something terrible. Honestly, the first thing I was homesick for was my church. Really, check it out in the archives of this diary. I missed my church first. I love playing piano as a service. Granted, sometimes I get sick of that sort of thing, but deep down it brings me great joy.

Yes, shed a tear or two and then suck it up.

My roommate told me something really random today. She had her first dream in English last night. Monik is from Indonesia, and she has never had a dream in English before. That really kinda caught me off guard. It made me ponder for a while. Heck, I'm still pondering. She said her mom was in the dream, and her mom even spoke English (her mom doesn't know more than maybe one or two words of English.. literally), as did everyone else. Just a little tidbit of useless information there.

Heck, that reminds me. I need to work on my cast page sometime soon. I've been so neglectful of everything. I don't know what consumes my time, cuz nothing ever gets done. Nothing. I don't eat, I rarely sleep, I don't do homework.. I guess I'm just always "out and about" socializing. Dang. What a waste of life! It's great fun and all, but I have to become responsible someday right? (Notice I didn't say I ever had to grow up.)

Sigh. I guess I'm still in the midst of an identity crisis. I'm reading The Purpose Driven Life still. Hopefully it won't be just another Christian trend that works for some people but not for others. I've heard so many amazing testimonies from people who have read this book. Rawr. Now I miss work. I used to hear so many amazing life stories working there. That's sad, when you start missing work. I mean, church, family, friends, pets.. that's normal. Work? Not so much.

Well, it's now 2:40am, so I think I'm gonna get my little butt to bed. So much to do, so much to think about.. So little time!!!