are you a chiquita banana too?

written at 6:44 p.m. on 01.31.04

I would like to use my wicked skills with the English language to thank all the narfilicious people who have signed my guestbook recently saying encouraging things. You know who you are. If you don't know who you are, then you should stop talking to yourself. Talking to strangers is not a very good idea these days.

As always, I was highly entertained by the morons.. err, I mean customers.. who visited the bookstore today. "I've been getting catologues from you in the mail recently. Why?" Did you sign up for the mailing list? "Yeah." Duh.

What cracks me up is when people expect me to read their minds. "There's this CD that has a blue cover.. it just came out recently." Do you know the artist's name? "Maybe it starts with an S?" Ok, never mind. How bout the title? "Umm.. something about happiness, or maybe light, or.. no, I don't know. But you know the one I'm talking about right?" Yes.. of course.. we keep those CDs in a special place. To get to them, you must walk out the exit door and NEVER COME BACK, RETARD!

I introduced my brother to homestarrunner.com about two days ago. Since then, he never leaves his room. His face is always plastered to the screen of his laptop, and he has this permanent smile lodged between his cheeks. He yells at me when I try to talk to him about a certain episode or when I try to breathe near him or when I even indicate any interest in him. DON'T TELL ME I'M A BAD SISTER! I have introduced my brother to heaven on earth, and he still treats me like dirt! I drive him to golf, I drive him home from play practice, I do things for him to be nice, and this is my reward? Aye-yi-yi.

What's with this advertising concept that it's smart to imagine you are a type of food? "I am a Chiquita banana," "I wish I were an Oscar Meijer weiner, that is what I truly want to be," ... You catch my drift? This is disturbing! No wonder kids grow up to be schizophrenic! They have all these ideas subliminally implanted into their brains that they are more than just a human being. They are a human, a banana, a weiner, a superhero, a snoring rhino.. YAR. I'm a prime example. I think I'm a cookie, a papaya, a pirate, a moobrr, .. it's just a sad situation folks. Don't ignore it any longer.

Hmm. Well, I'm off to see my wonderful wizard of Middle Earth for a little while. I haven't been to visit him in a long time. Maybe I'll actually get some homework done too if I stop writing now. Hmm.. turn off the Simpsons? Lame. Stop writing? Slightly less lame, but still definitely lame.